2000-07-08 - 16:27:57

I have my own beliefs, my own characteristics, and my own identity. I know I am not flawless, nor is anyone else in this world. I just ask myself why I am always wrong. I get mad, I get upset.... just as anyone else. But, whenever its me getting pissed off, I am wrongfully accusing on some part. Either I dont understand the situation (in someone elses point of view), or I am getting mad over nothing. I dont see it that way. You see, I live my life on promises and trust. Trust to know that what they tell you will become. It seems, though, that what has been being whispered in my ear is not the same as what reality becomes.

Why is it that she is such a big part of my life now anyway? I mean, can I stop the feeling if I actually wanted to? I just feel overpowered, and I cant help it. I always feel wrong. Upon my actions to my unpleasantness, she turns the situation around onto her own grounds, and gets mad at me for getting mad in the first place. If anyone can relate.... I hate bumps in the road. Its just that, I put myself into this, my whole self. I know how I feel and I act on it. Its the most important thing in my life right now, so I try my hardest not to fuck it up. She means so much to me that when we are in fights, I feel alone. Ambandoned maybe. I loose all feeling to function, or even care about anything in this life.

I am sitting here, listening to Sara Mc Laughlin. "Sweet Surrender" has been my theme song for the past few days. Ive had it on repeat for about an hour and a half. I love her soooooo much. She seems not to be someone to just listen to, but she feels and relates to everyone. She is not stereotypical, she sends the same message to everyone. Thats why I like her. Her voice is enchanting, and makes me feel innocent and pure. I wish everyone could adore her in the same light I adore her in. She is just so damn talented. I wish I was as good at acting as she is at singing. I need my own personal sara to follow me around, and evertime I run into a hardship, she should start singing for me.

Im afraid, right now, that I am not able to live as an individual. To clarify: I live my life for her.... thats the way I feel Im living. For instance: if going to the mall sounded like fun to me, and I really wanted to go, and she didnt; it would alter my decision for going. I know, I know. I dont feel individualized anymore. I used to be so unique, and, just, well, myself. And now, I am living for her. She doesnt ask me to, but I do it. I need to somehow regain my identity. I dont know how, thats the scary thing. Its like, If I even wanted to go back, I cant. I love her, and she is my life now, but I dont feel like myself anymore.

My little sister just handed me an envelope, and to my suprise, was a letter from my brother. Same old shit. EVERY DAMN time. "Send me money, come visit me....." Jesus, he really pisses me off. Just because I have the money to support myself, and he cant, thats not my problem. I've been nice to him before, that never got me anywhere. I am sick of being the nice one, always doing other people favors. I mean, my brother used to beat the shit out of me.... every day. It never failed. After school, Id walk into the house with brusies that were just fading, and by the time my mother got home, I had more that were just developing. I guess you can say that my brother toughened me up. But I can hardly see where getting beat to hell by a metal baton proved himself any bigger than I was. Being someones punching bag for several of your childhood years makes for a very snappy temper. So therefore, when I am mad, I am a tad upset. BUT, when I am pissed, there is chaos... I dont keep to myself. I hardly ever get mad or even upset so I dont usually cause any conflicts. By the way.... dont ever try to fight a person 4 years older, of the male gender, weighs more than 2 of you, and was in wrestling for the same amount of years you've been in school for, it NEVER ends like you plan. Even Rambo got his ass beat a few times before he started kicking asses himself. hmm.... off that subject

Oh dear SARA.....

o/"" It doesnt mean much.... it doesnt mean anything at all... The life Ive left behind me is a cold one. Across the landslide, from where I cant return, where every step I took in faith, betrayed me. And then we fall ....(my hope). Sweeeeeee-eeeet Surrender, is all that I have to do. Take me there, no questions asked. Just strip away the ugliness that surrounds me. Are you an angel? Am I already that gone? I only hope that I wont disappoint you. Well Im down here, on my knees,.. Sweeeee-eee-eeeeeet Surrneder, is all that I have to be. Sweeeee-eee-eeeeet Surrneder, is all that I have to do. I dont understand, the touch of your hand. I would be the one to fall. I'm missing little things. I miss everthing... about you. It doesnt mean much, It doesnt mean anything at all..... the life I ve left behind me is a cold one.. Sweeeeee-eee-eeeeet Surrender, is all that I have... to give. Sweeeee-eee-eeeet Surrneder, is all that I have....... to give. o/""

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