2000-07-12 - 22:08:03

I am sitting here, .... hair dye on my head. Yes, changing the color once again. Instead of my colored blonde, I decided to go black with a hint of brunette. Hopefully it turns out well, because I have a complex about not looking good. My head itches so bad!! I figured it was time for a change again, and everyone who knows me, knows that I cannot stand having my hair the same for a while. Its bad when your friends dont recognize you from day-to-day of styling. Your probably thinking that I must have alot of money to constanly change my hair color/style-- but thats not the case at all. My mom is a cosmotologist, which contributes to my free styling. (Thanks mom =} )

While I am at the pad of the keyboard soaking my head in chemicals, I am also listening to this CD I got today. Its such a different mood of music for me. Something I always had an interest in, but would never invest in actually buying a CD. Its a 16 year old girl named Holly Smith, and let me just say,...."WOW," she is an exceptionally fanominal singer. The type of music is classified as Celtic mood music. And anyone that have ever been interested in this type of music, I advise you to go out and buy her CD, it is mind moving, and deep. Through the CD is a mixture of chloe, violin, and deep bongo's beating their way to heavenly, solitude thoughts. Some may procrastinate against this type of music, but I actually enjoy the uniqueness this 16 year old has brought to music.

On another note, I stayed up last night for approximatly 2 hours merely crying on AJ's shoulder about my mom. (Thank you AJ for your words of wisdom, you are always helpful.) I miss her so much. I have talked to her about 2 times since she moved 3 and a half hours up north with her boyfriend. Its alot different now-- she used to be a best friend to me, someone always there to confide in when I needed it. I never really wanted to spend time with her, only because I had things I hid from her. Things that I needed to experience, to talk about, but I couldnt with her. I knew that she wouldnt understand. The fact that I am gay devistated her. Thats why she moved, after throwing me out. We are better now, only because she realized, as well as I did, that our bond was too strong just to throw away like that. She never told me this, but I knew that that was the case after I looked into her eyes upon seeing her at my graduation. She was always so dear to me, I never told her that she was though. I turned down her support numerously, and I turned down offers to do things with her more than her support. I feel terrible for my part of neglection, but we all are ashamed of something. She was always there, lonely, and needing someone, but I was always gone with friends. I just wish I could turn back time, things would be alot different. I want to hear her say that she wants to do something with me, that she wants me to go shopping with her, that she needs me to stay home with her because shes lonely. I really wish I heard these things now, for the choices I would make would be alot different. I would jump on the idea of hanging out with my mom. Instead, she is miles away, and I cannot see her. (My car is dead) And I miss her..... more than I've ever missed someone before. I need her in my life, and I am killing myself over the fact that I never took advantage of what she once offered to me-- her love, her company, and her support. But in my eyes, we were still best friends. I remember when I was about 6, sitting on my moms bed with her and saying, "Mom, I want you to be my best friend forever." Her only reply was that, "Your going to grow up one day and make other friends. You'll forget you ever said that to me." Well, to this day, I remembered that, and I still am determined to stick to that statement. It was such a minor conversation, and she probably wont remember, but I did. It meant alot to me. And it still does. Its weird that you neglect the ones who love you the most during adolecence, but thats normal. I wish I wasnt normal then, because I couldve used her for her knowledge during the hardships of being a teen. I am eighteen years old, but I feel 30. And I realize that I need her now more than ever. I woke up one day last week to a dream that I could not shake: my mom passed away while living up north. I cant bear the fact that I havent seen her in about a month. What would I actually do if she died? I wouldnt know what to do. I used to have breakdowns when I was little and say to my mom non-chalantly, "mom, I dont want you to die." So this dream really scared me. I know that I miss her, and I feel helpless, but there is nothing I can do. She is there, and I am here. All I can do is weep in her absence. If your reading this, I love you, and I miss you, I hope its not to late.

previous - next