2001-07-31 - 5:39 p.m.

**Can I feel anymore pain out of something thats supposed to be good? Can I possibly? I mean, this is good for me, this is what I want. I want to do this, get out.... FLY, you know? and Im not "flying" here, so this is the chance, the golden oppurtunity. I have to do it. Success is what I feine for.

**Leaving the loved. Amber, Amanda, Gavin, Amada B., Shannon, Justen, people who know my face in the mall,... people that Ive known since I was little, ..people Ive grown up with,.... the person Im IN LOVE WITH. This is very hard. Its very hard on you, and even harder to explain. Amber... well.... she is someone that I have no words for. And that pains me. I have nothing that I can say to her that will justify these thoughts of wanting more. Loving someone is not an inconievence, but rather it slows you down from doing things you know you should be doing. Only because love is where you want to be next to them all the time.... kiss them... feel them,... cuddle with them... .......... ....................... ....... ... .. I havent said this to her. I dont want to love her too much. That is my biggest fear of all. To know that she can control me in anyway possible, and she can break me in half with the snap of her fingers, thats just too much. I was that way at one point, and I vowed to never be that way again. But with her, it is very very hard to not fall in love too much. I still dont want that. I know the hurt associated, and I dont want that. So I am just left here, loving her, as much as I am allowed to. And that love is killing me as I know I must focus on my own personal things right now. I love her. And I had the hardest night of my life last night. I couldnt pry myself. Wondering if I should continue to kill myself by stealing a kiss or not. Because I dont want the goodbye to be eneviatable. Can I handle this? I dont know. I guess all we can do is try.

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