~My Space~
2001-09-02 - 3:22 p.m.
Voices in my head, circling quotes, lines that were once used to woe me. My destruction, my weakness. She is all of that, and also more. Love, parading joy, an infinate smile... Her voice was left on my answering machine, unexpectedly. Why are there times, STILL, where I fell I cannot live without her? Times that my arms are of no use unless their around her? Times where comfort does not lie in the bed Im on, but whether or not shes next to me, breathing in my ear while she so elegantly falls into her rest. The sight of her face is the food for my hunger. Her eyes, I devour. Beautifully smiling in passion, sincerity, and in lust back for me. Words alone cant describe her. I once had the sight of an angel, a pure flower of my own premonition of perfection. What is perfection really? (I asked this to myself weeks ago, I never had the answer.) I know. Clutterations of pieces of her. Im so scared to forget her face. Am I beginning to? Do I not remember the countless nights when that face was pressed to mine,... how Id try to remember every detail of it, so that when I was without her, I could picture it, and be comforted. The beauty mark that lies next to her right ear, or the one that is so mere on her finger. These are things about her. Things I can only MAKE myself try to forget now. I loved her. I LOVED her. Do I still? (thats another one that I could answer spit-secondly) Of coarse I do. Of coarse. She was my all. She is my all. I love her, but shes not mine. Time sure has some nasty revenge.
I am not angry because I am alone. However, I DO have the fear. But there is a distinct difference. I dont want her to just be "there" to parade and show off, and keep her as mine own. I want her so that I can adore her, love her, and admire her.
I can still feel her in me. And Ive tried to let it out. Everything she made me realize about myself, Ive tried to let back out. I wanted that part of my life erased. But, once again, songs play the melody of my weakness. And I am broken down, again and again. Ive shed countless tears. My pain is forever. My pain is not recifiable. It is un BARABLE. Ive tried not letting myself come out, keeping words in. Not anymore. so here it is:
I fear that if I cannot kiss her lips this very instant I will explode. To hug her, hold her. anything. Touch her, period. To see her, hear her. whatever. Just HER. I need her. Im afraid I wont ever be able to hold her again. God cant be that cruel to me.
Ive been living the only way I knew how. Pushing myself away. Not physically in space. But literally, wanting to find someone else SO bad. Pushing to find a new love. Knowing that no one will ever have the face of you, unfortunatly.
