2001-11-01 - 2:07 a.m.

Its been awhile since I wrote last. I feel that there is so much inside me that I must release. So much to where I feel when Im finished, my fingers will turn blue and fall off my hands.

Im confused at an entry in another diarylander's journal. 10-10-01 was the date. It was named, "the body". Was this about me? Was this about someone else? What was the subject that it randomly pranced around? It was back and forth, and very mysterious. Im not sure what to make of it, but I can tell you that I am paranoid. Im very insecure with not only myself, but those who are very close to me. I cannot help the fact that I must, also, be thoroughly convinced of some things. Though I am the one that needs to show, and prove it, I am the one being paranoid. all I know is what Im sure of. And there is only one thing that I am sure of in life. ONE thing.... that is love. I trust my love. I trust it in it's goodness and its bad, but I do trust and respect that its there, illuminating in all its flamboyancy. Im scared...... I feel like the kid on the block that is fed nice compliments, but when the back is turned, everyone is pointing and laughing. This is how you can tell Ive paid my guilts. I AM SCARED. What I wake up to everyday is my knowing of having something as sacred as she is. And I KNOW this. Why is it that it means more to me to see her write about me than she actually does? I scroll down to find words of love, .. my name.. but its hardly there, and if it is.. its negative. Am I this pessimistic, or do I just fear that she doesnt announce "us" as much as I do? Is it horrible that I love her indefinatly,... that I HAVE had the unfortunate opportunity of becoming, for a moment, someone Im not proud of? There is something that will never change,....love is infinate. I embrace that, as much as I embrace my insecurity right now.

Ive cried today. As well as yesterday, and the day before. Ive been keeping to myself, but I am at an emotional breakdown. Ask me where this is stemming from, but I dont know. I miss the people that were once so close to me. The people that I drove off, and left behind. This is were its starts getting hard. Whether it may be childish or not, it really is getting emotionally stressful. Ive been keeping in contact with my aunts, my mother, and ocassionally, my friends. Where has my previous life gone to? It seems as though it was another person living in Michigan, and a whole new Christel here. Ive been crying, .. and lingering thoughts have been my only comfort. Im sad, yet Im so blinded by love that it throws an altogether different spin on everything. Im wondering if this is "THE" path... .. am I doing everything right???? and if I am, why is it that Im wothout those that I love the dearest? My love, an hour and a half away, and those that I hold respectably dear, 10 hours away. Give me something.. someone? Im lost and confused in my own head... and its times like these that I wonder even who I am or what I am even writing or trying to prove here. Im just trying to find the person within myself that Im supposed to be. Some days my drive is there, energized and ready to go..... but other days, Ive lost all drive to do anything, depressed and ragging on myself. Ive cried alot, but Ive not shed enough, obviously.

I feel lonely sometimes. And I wonder why I even do, or if its right to feel that way. I believe its just that, I have the steering wheel in my head,and I know where Im going, but no one else does. Im just lonely of being me, I guess. Sick and tired of making, and doing, and fucking up, and apologizing, and pleasing, but not pleasing enough. I just dont know what people want. I love... and as far as everything other than that goes, Im not even SURE anymore. Life is altogether confusing. Im just here, being me, but I feel that its not enough. Not enough for my own self-fulfillment, and not enough for others either.

If no one can make sense of this entry, I dont blame you. This is my head poured out, rambled thoughts that may or may not be correct according to anyone else's standards, but to mine their not correct either.

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