2001-11-05 - 2:00 a.m.

These have been the emotional times that everyone talks about. The moment of realization that seperation has taken place. Maybe its childish, maybe it's not, but this is how I've felt, and I cannot help it.

Everyday has been a new reason to cry, ... one more thing that I realize that adds to the emotional stress. Things that are already bad, that I inccidentily remember, and just add to everything. Maybe it's just a mid-life crisis coming too soon,... maybe it's a early life crisis coming too late. Who knows. However, it seems like everyday I have a snapping point, and I'll just literally, break down; whether I try to hold myself back or not. .... want an example???? ... These are the things that have mostly added to my feelings lately:

A) Missing my family. especially because two out of my three favorite aunts are pregnant right now. And it seems that all of my little cousins are going to grow up without me watching.

B) Missing my friends. Especially those who are my Best Friends, that I cant live without. ...Im 19 years old, and I still feel that theres a part of me that wants to "go out with the girls", and have sleep overs, movie nights, stuff like that.

C) Living over an hour and a half away from my significant other. I hate the drive, but I cant complain, because, afterall, I DO get to see her when I get there, and it IS worth it. And it urks me even more that Im not living there all ready.

D) Getting paid crappy. Im working to get a new car, but I know that I cant do it with this kind of salary. However, I am in the feild that will give me experience that I might need to pursure one of my MANY dreams.

E) My brother. Im very worried about him. He goes up for parole in 22 days, and I fear that he will get out, and he wont have changed, or I fear that he'll be stuck in there for a few more years. Either way I loose. I miss him TERRIBLY, and he is my only sibling.

F) My Oma. I just keep thinking about her. Things I couldve done, things I want to say now that Im older. Things that I want to praise her for. Maybe its me being selfish, but I wasnt through with her yet... ... I still NEED to love her, and show her that I adored her as much as I always will.

G) My mom. Im very worried about my mother. I want to be there for her, like I used to be. I used to sit on her bed, smoke a cigerette with her, while she released all of her feelings about the current relationship she was in. Im afraid that I cant be there for her, in any way that she needs me to. To lend a shoulder, an ear, a hand... I think its just the getting older thing.... I want to be there for HER now.

H) My Grandma Koos. She's having problems with her blood pressure. Im sure that even if it got worse, that I wouldnt be told, because Id want to be there every second. This is the ONE person that made my life more precious. I love her, I resepect her, I adore her, and the memories I have with her are countless, and pure. She has all of my love, as she's definatly always had.

So those are the major things that have added to my frustration with life right now. They are reoccuring, and its horrible. I cant wait until I go home for a little while so I can just let ALOT of this emotion go. (thats another thing, IF my boss ever tells me when I have vacation time, IF I do).

Is this LIFE?

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