2001-12-31 - 11:51 p.m.

You know, you tell me its okay to love you too much, but I dont think it really is. This is me loving you amber... too much. This is me wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to give you money to come stay with me for new years. I always want to spend time with you, in any way, and at any time possible. Your always priority number one with me. I wish I felt it back. You might think that I might already know Im number one with you too, but I really wish that I *did* know that. I wanted to drive up there last minute to see you, just before the ball dropped, you discouraged that too. This year, I feel alone, and I am. I hate feeling alone, and I feel it alot. Why do I feel this way? I *need* the loving too much back, Im sorry that I require it, but I do. Love to me is two co-dependent souls, not to independent ones. I need the attention, I need the reassurance, I need the extra "I love you"'s, I need the satisfaction that Im not alone, in anything I do. Not necessicarily you being "here" all the time, right next to me, but me *at least* feeling the need, that if you COULD, that you WOULD. Because I would do it for you in a heartbeat. How I feel is much greater than getting 8 hours of sleep, and much rather go spend time with you, especially on a day like today, New Years. I love you, and thats one thing in this world that I just cannot change. My love for you will always be, just has it has always been. I fall in love with you more and more, and sometimes I hate it because I feel like Im falling alone. Is that what it comes down to?? Who loves who the most? I just dont know. I cant help that I love you, its just nature to me. I cant help that I need things as well. I cant help that your tone sets my mood. I cant help that I depend on you, as much as I wish you depended on me. Am I really alone here, is this a "in one ear, out the other" sort-of-deal? am I wasting my breath by actually speaking what I feel? Im always afraid to, you know, .. always, because I always fear Id loose you if I did.

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