2002-03-16 - 10:41 a.m.

I went to a party last night, I had about 3 jell-o shooters, and a vodka shot. Everyone kept asking me why I was acting so reserved. I told them that I was fine... just really tired. A few hours later, I left. I felt motivation to do nothing, and I tried all I could to keep her out of my mind. I just decided to come home and possibly write, but I couldn't do it. I just wanted to, for one moment, get her out of my head.... so I decided to go to sleep. I laid there for about forty-five minutes, thinking of her, thinking how great it would be if I could *finally* fall asleep so that I didn't have to think of her anymore. I felt like, ... okay, it's Friday night, and I'm supposed to be out having fun... but oh no, I'm stuck in the very same place that I was earlier today, and yesterday, and the day before. Concealed in the enviroment that replays memories of her. Over, and over, and over again, until my brain finally gets it right... memories, her smile, the way she used to laugh, quotes she's said to me, aguements we've had, and wondering what I could've did on my part not to make them escalate. So many things..... the funny thing is that I went to bed last night to get away from my thoughts of her, but I dreamt about her last night. It was the worst dream.. she told me to my face that she doesnt love me anymore, she doesnt ever want to be with me again, and she just wants to stay friends. Then, her new girlfriend "Anna" came up to me and said matter-of-factly, "She *never* loved you" and walked away. Yeah, I ended up kicking her ass by the time the dream was over, but still... I woke up crying, knowing that maybe, *possibly* this could even be true.... but it can't. I just wish that either we'd get back together, or I could get over her... Why doesn't she at least email me to let me know that she thinks of me, if even on a friendly level? Does she even think of me at all?

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