~My Space~
2003-12-11 - 12:30 a.m.
October 19th, 2003
Isabel,
Now it's time for me to speak my peace, and write "my letter" to you. Although, Im sure mine wont have the same impact.
I'm not sure if you understand the extent of how much I feel you lied to me; finding things out after we break up is still not the best way to hear it at all. It makes me feel like out relationship was a lie. It makes me wonder if you were even the girl I loved initially.... and makes me wonder if you were *ever* that girl. It's sad when you sit by yourself exactly a year later, and wonder what just went on for the past 12 months.... There were times that I wasnt sure what I wanted, and it wasnt whether or not it was you... but the type of relationship I even desired. You can meet the right person at the wrong time. However, its just that I cannot believe that after all of that, you had did what you did in the end. Once again, Im left wondering, how could you? How can you tell someone that you love them--while making love... and not even a week later, tell them that you have been involved with someone else? I dont understand that... I dont understand that when you are crying, and someone tells you that you are just on a "break" and assures you that its *just* a "break" and nothing else... meanwhile, seeing someone else for that whole period of time. And I know that it had been going on for longer than I know you'd admit to. I know that you should've told me about it alot sooner than what you did. I can guarentee that a friendship that was once there, will no longer ever be.... I never thought I would let a girl get between my friends and I, but obviously friendship isnt as important to some people. I think that that is worse than what you did to me, .. so obviously, there will probably be a long long road to forgiveness with her. I will never look at her or you the same again. In a sense, you both sicken me with how you can do something that cold-hearted behind my back.
However, this is where I decide that life is too short.
I know that I will not allow some things to be the same again. But, I do know that there are some mutual friends here, and it's making it harder on all of us. I've told you before that there are two views that I have know... two different reactions when I think of you... and both of those emotions are infinatly fighting with each other. So, this is very hard to decide to try to not necessarily let myself forgive you-but more or less let myself have less frustration, and animocity. Even though I feel that *you* should've been the one to write a letter like this...............
This is not necessarily my peace treaty... .. this is me telling you that what you did was really fucked up, Isabel.. and you did alot of damage on your way to trying to put me in my place, or trying to find yourself, whatever you may call it. But one thing is forsure... I had never cheated on you, and it really hurts me knowing........ what I know. I never cheated on you... ever, I dont think you will believe me, but I didnt. You think I had sex with Amanda Cruz, and I didnt. You think I had sex with Amber, and I didnt. All those things that you made yourself believe pushed you away from me, never happened.
I dont know if Mandy is "the one", but whatever makes you happy, I guess. I think you have alot of finding yourself yet to do. I hope that you do one day..... come to some conclusions about all that you think and feel.
Everytime I see you it sickens me that you have hatred for me. And why is that anyway???? What did I *possibly* do to you that was half as bad as you doing *all* the stuff that you did to me behind my back?
Oh, there is one last thing.....
You REALLY need to sit down and evaluate your friendship with others. You have three of the best people there for you twenty-four seven, and you have been treating them like Number 2. And why? ...... Because they are still friends with me, too? I think you underestimate how much they really care about you, Isabel. And I used to hear you tell me that we would hang out with them more than my friends because your friends "dont have lives". Im not trying to tell you what you should do, or what not to do... just be aware that when you and Mandy break up.... who are you going to have? My friends, or hers? Because, other than that... ... your three best friends have been the ones there for you. They have been trying to be cool with me about it, and I have obviously been cool with them. And if you think I have been trying to get them not to like you-which I know youve been thinking-your totally wrong. I have been, if anything, very understanding that they are *your* friends, and that it shouldnt come down to he said/she said crap. They have their own minds, and I have not been filling them with nonsense about you. I told them not to choose between me and you, but to do whatever they felt was right, whatever they had to do. Be friends with both of us... whatever the case may be. I am not about to come in between peoples friendship. That is one thing you just dont mess with. I just truely think that you have a really good bunch of friends and Im thankful that you introduced me to them. I know that you feel at this point that Im lecturing you, I didnt mean to make it sound like that, but its the only way I could "vent" about that topic without coming across any other way.
A part of me is finding it harder, and easier to deal with the whole situation. And obviously it is still on my mind after how many months. I wish I could put you in your place now, but then we'd be running in circles.
One thing though...... you were right about not having any pictures up of us. I honestly cannot believe we never did. You were very right about that, and I wanted to let you know.
Always~
Christel
