2004-10-22 - 12:13 a.m.

Its odd, how Ive realized that the world I was looking at was actually upside down. Maybe thats why it never made sense? Maybe thats why I never made too much of an effort,...the way that I should. For my family, for my friends, for my loved one,... for strangers....for me. I have learned so much its ridiculous. I catch myself lately giving people advice that Ive conjured up with bits and pieces of other peoples advice, or by listening to other people talk, and their problems. Ive been REALLY listening, too. And, to be quite honest, I never really have... and thats sad. I feel like I was such a horrible person, and I dont know if Im even right or wrong about that. They say no one is perfect, that we all learn from our mistakes... but am I the poster child of all these cliches? It makes me feel sad that I never really gave anyone 100% of me... that I never invested myself 100% into my friends, mostly. Now, I take advantage of people who call me, .. and I just want to be there for them.... I HAVE to be there for them, not because I truely have to, but because I TRUELY want to....to listen.. to help them... its like... Ive turned into the opposite of who I was, and I am so grateful, grateful to be the person that people talk to about their problems... its a privledge, and thats how I shouldve ALWAYS looked at it. Maybe Ive been too rough on myself... but I feel so much better about myself and so much more confident in my relationships. Ive been sending cards to my grandma, my mom, and my dad consistantly. Ive been popping into my moms work just to say hi, or to drop off cute little presents... Ive been trying hard to make time for my friends that need me to just go have coffee... or who just need to talk about something because their so excited. Im finally the person I shouldve been. The person who calls people even when she doesnt need anything at all but a simple hello. The sad thing, ... Ive already lost out. I feel alone, even though Im not... There are people, that I would do anything to make it up to. You know, the guilt that eats at your stomach because you want to prove yourself so much. I think I finally grew up. I think I hit that point in my life, where not EVERYTHING I do is kiddish, selfish, self-centered. Im still a kid at heart, but, you have to realize that wealth and wisdom is reached in many different ways, and the most apparent way is usually not it. I stand at the door longer to hold it open for people, I sit on the phone when Im tired to give advice to someone who has a broken heart, Im finally conversing with people instead of just sitting in front of them. I guess I lost some very cool people in my life.... and there has not been a day that I havent wished for them back. It truely is really hard when I know that I really did care for them so much. And I would do just about anything to be able to give them advice, or listen to them all over again. I just wasnt at a happy place in my own life where I was set to be able to confidently listen and give advice. Hell, I wasnt even at a place in my life where my life even made sense. And now, Im trying so hard to be apologetic, and understanding. But nothing, will bring them back but their own will.

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