2006-01-29 - 11:44 p.m.

Its been so long since I wrote last. Probably because in my mind I was living a happy, fairy tale of a relationship. The key words to that last sentence were "in *my* mind". Megan hasnt been happy with me-everything went in a downward spiral so fast... First it started when she left for Kentucky, I didnt know where our lives were going - together, or apart. Everything had been great after she got whatever she needed to out of her system. Out of nowhere she started acting irritated, aggrevated, annoyed, and angry. I shouldve seen it - and asked why. Why she was unhappy, why she had been so snippy with me. I was too selfish. I liked being with her so much that I didnt want to 'rock the boat'. We started making each others daily lives hell - or so it had seemed. One minute hot, next minute cold. I was wondering where this was leading us to - hopefully a happy ending. I felt like I lost her already. Like she didnt care anymore - because she seemed not to. And then, "on a break", I let something happen - It just felt good for one second to have someone genuinely care; and I allowed it. Im a horrible person - but in something so horrible it made me realize something good. It made me think- for that second- even though everything had been going crazy, and Megan is running away from me, that I dont have to run away from her either. I love her. I love her even when shes wrong or right, when it comes down to it - I just love her. And I cant help it. If I could, I would stop the pain that I feel deep-rooted in my heart of the disappointment I left her with. She doesnt want to see my face, she hates me. I thought it couldnt get any worse, and it did. I know I did it to myself. I swear to god that all I wanted to do was make her happy - but we have been caught in cycles. She can be mean, Ill be mean later. Theres always a recourse. So I guess this is it. Leave me laying here, eyes swollen, heart broken, emotionally beaten and I deserve it. Fuck yes, I deserve it. We both were wrong- I felt that emotionally she let go, apparently she didnt. I havent either. I really want her happiness, I swear to god I do, and this time- I dont want to be selfish. She deserves to be happy, I just wanted to be the person who made her that way - and for that I feel like a failure. I couldnt. Maybe its better then... Maybe she will be happier forgetting me, and taking down all the pictures on the walls. Maybe I could sit here and write forever about how much I miss her. She was my best friend. And I hurt her, so bad. Now I must go to bed without the person Im used to being next to me. I dont know if Im strong enough

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