2006-01-31 - 12:35 a.m.

Another night. I cant sleep. Im so sick to my stomach - Ive had this feeling like Im going to get sick every moment of the day. I think this is what motion sickness would feel like. Im barely eating - Im barely sleeping. I rolled over too many times to count last night... forgetting. Forgetting that she wasnt there. Forgetting that my life, my world, my best friend, my lover, my everything was lost. Im loosing my mind.
I got home tonight and as soon as I walked through the door I wanted nothing more than to run to her and give her the biggest hug I would ever give. I wanted to hold her. To feel her arms around mine. To cry on her shoulder with how miserable I feel. To tell her that I love her, and that I want her happiness so much. And to tell her that Im sorry. Im sorry for everything that was my fault. I cant stop crying when Im by myself. I tried giving her her space tonight. But all I wanted to do was be in that room with her. There is a wall seperating us - physically and emotionally. I feel so empty. So empty and so encompassed with lonely thoughts. So lonely and overcome with emptiness.
All I want is to walk in the adjacent room and watch her, hold her - anything. I just want to be near her - be in the presence of her. Smell that smell that is so definely her. Listen to her as she tosses in bed with her little whines and whimpers. I always told her she was so cute when shes sleepy. What a beautiful creature.... Laying in the next room. But she never believed me - I always thought it was something I did... but what if it is not me, what if she just feels like that and shes so dead set on it that its impossible for me to make her believe it? I cant stand this - Im loosing my mind. I love her, why did it turn so bad? Why did we get to a point of treating each other like shit? Why? She hurt my feelings so bad, and now I hurt hers. I hate myself for hurting her. Sadly enough I wonder if she hates herself for hurting me too. I wonder if shes missing me at all. I wonder if she wants me to walk in that room just as much as I want to walk in it. I cant sleep, but I have to end this somewhere... ..

previous - next