2006-06-18 - 6:51 p.m.

There has been so much on my mind lately, that its no suprise Im sitting here in front of this monitor confiding in my diary. Truth is, I met this girl... she is exceptionally breathtaking from the inside - out. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her for godly-long amounts of time. Most of the time it seems to be her eyes peering to meet mine and catching me in my moment of awe. I see pictures of her, I watch her in public, I see the way she acts and reacts, and I tell myself that I am so lucky to be the one to lay next to her every night. Everytime I watch her ~ it makes *me* feel good, ... is that selfish? ... I feel like Im a corny romantic novel... ... however, I love small things like the way she holds her hand over her mouth when shes resting her elbow... , and I dont think she has any idea of how much Im starting to care for her. It scares me..... It scares me because I dont want to be the only one feeling like this. Its almost as if.... if I let these barriers down, I want to make sure someone else is giving me some of their barriers too. I dont know what is yet to come, as no one truely does, *but* Im beginning to allow barriers to come down and feel that I wish I had the same effect on her,... or do I?
Her lips are addicting, I cant control myself when they are on me. She does something that breaks me down, however, I cant even fathom describing how. The things we do together are amazing, and the fact that her family is oh-so-perfect doesnt help either. The way her family interacts with me is comforting - it makes my feelings for her escalate even more. Its confusing to me, seeings that I wasnt looking for feelings on this serious of a note, but I love being in her company. When I think of her my thoughts carry me away to the times we stay cuddled up on the couch or in her bed.... those times that she looks at me with those beautiful eyes and leans to kiss me... the grasping for my hand to hold it out of no where.... I love these times. This is the first time I havent allowed sex to interfere with my emotions. But, everytime her fingers feel my bare skin I get butterflies. She feels so good to me, and doesnt even know it - but the funny thing is that I get the same feeling when we look at each other. I love doing nothing with her... sitting around her house... tending to the lawn/flowers... laying in bed. I dont ever want to say *too* much because Im afraid that the feelings might not be mutual. I think the reason why I feel like this is because I asked her to be "exclusive" and havent heard anything from her yet in response. She sent me flowers the other day... which was a shock to me- a HUGE shock, and a breath of reassurance in itself... however, I had high expectations for the card... I thought I was going to finally hear what I wanted... a "yes". Maybe shes scared, too? Maybe she's confused as well? ... But I wish she would talk more about that if its the case. ...
... I miss her and she's sitting right next to me, .. how is that possible?

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