2007-11-05 - 5:35 p.m.

You've prompted me to write here tonight, since I received a text that says "I cant see you. Im sorry." At this point, however, I feel its YOUR loss.
I've loved you since day number one and gave you everything I had in the beginning... I saw you slip away slowly, then more rapidly at the end. I coped badly and left us in a whirlwind of my own lies as I tried not to allow you to hurt me again. I did wrong, and I knew that. I know that now and turning over a new leaf has never been more difficult. However, here I am.... different from than what I was. You said you cant believe me or forgive me from everything..., and now that its different, and even *I* know you know I am, you still cant see me. You send me text messages saying such things as "you're on my heart like a tattoo" and that you still love me but yet you are letting the moment of testing that love pass us by. You said you wanted to see me with no restrictions, no girlfriends, no nothing, just to let whatever would happen take its course. Well, here I am.... trying to make EVERY effort I can, where are you?
It is nice, however, talking to someone that can see the changes Ive made as Ive told her about my past. Ive even talked to her about you quite a bit. But thats the joy of it, I CAN be honest with her and she is still there to lend a shoulder when I need it. She was willing to allow me the time I needed to deal with things, to "figure" this out, if you will. But in the end I feel that I was fed a lot of luring words just to get an "I cant see you, Im sorry" in the end. So, here I am sitting here and deciding that Im SO glad I at least didnt get to the point of putting everything in jeopardy to try to "figure" something out that OBVIOUSLY has me all figured out anyway. Yes, of course I love you- but I feel Ive felt guilty enough... I feel like Ive changed enough, I feel that Ive sat and cried ENOUGH. Im sick of this feeling and Im letting it go. Im letting the feeling of hurting you go. Because Ive done NOTHING but try to paint a clear picture of my new self to you for how long now and Ive got nothing to show for it except some cute text messages and seeing your face about 4 times. You know I am more than happy to get those texts and the fact that you even drove to my house the day I left for Florida was wonderful. Even the night that we spent hours drinking until late at night and you telling me I could sleep with you and waking up to you the next morning.... I mean, this was only a month and a half ago- you shared tears with me, long hugs, stares.... I think its you who's afraid now. BUT, maybe its not me anymore Megan.... maybe its you who just doesnt love me enough anymore. Maybe those I Love Yous that you so graciously sent to me were a surface emotion and not a deep-seeded connection to me anymore. Who knows. All I know is that Im done trying; I apparently left all the cards in YOUR hands and you discarded them. So, I guess I'll just leave it at that. This is your loss. In the end I did my best to rectify things- isnt that what you did at one point, too?????

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